The View

In February 2012 I look at this image from July 2008, and I now remember some facts about that time, have some opinions about that time, and I remember my thoughts, that moment - not perfectly, verbatim, but I do remember the feeling of that moment, so I can put it into words approximating my thoughts at the time.

Photo: Tine Biedenweg

The facts; 

I was clinically depressed.

I thought the World would be a better place without me and would not notice, much, if I were absent from it, so I wondered occasionally, how best to leave.

My filly, Presence, was 2, and she was my dream from several years previously, come true.

My dog, Rex, a year old, also a friend I had thought much of - his breed, personality and pleasure, before we found each other.

My friends were with me, at this most beautiful piece of land, tolerating my misery. Trying hard to lift me. Allowing me.

I had passed through patterns of depression since childhood, every few years. My pets always gave me reason to continue living.

My opinions about this time vary. What I mean by vary, as examples of my evolving position, is that in 2008 I was of the belief depression was my curse. By 2009 I opinioned that depression was an equaliser, halting my crazy dreams to enable me to blend in, become ordinary. 2010 I'd had enough; depression was a dirty word, I will NEVER experience THAT again. 2011 I learned I could choose my emotional response to everything. I started practising. I am a fast learner. Now I see her, that woman, Jayne, (I love her dearly, I am no longer her), with her dreams manifest, back turned to them, and I am certain depression is amazing. For me it has been the opportunity to explore, learn, evolve.

My thought, in that moment, the moment I did not know had been captured by Tine with her camera?

"What BEAUTY! ...Landscape, hills, rock, geography of millions of years! Like I've seen as a child, in Britain, and periodically throughout my life, each time taking my breath away! I did not know it was here, so close to my home. Colours. Light. And sharing it with Presence, Rex, these women who are still here while I hate myself! I can feel my heart again. I can feel again." I smiled, I think, although retreated to the habit I had been working hard to keep, the sad-face.

I was not cured that day, but moments such as this continued to occur, and countered the hours of self-loathing.

There is much more I can share about my experience of depression, bi-polar and whatever other disorders I've played with, but this moment, today, Monday 13th February 2012, I simply admire the moment of this photograph, and for the first time I notice Presence wrapped around me, and I am actually lost for words... XJ

I'm for horses...

I smile as I recall a man I once knew, who often said to people like I once was (opinionated, enquiring, searching for the best way, the right way), 

"When I want your opinion I'll give it to you." 

I can't say that having opinions or searching for the rightness of everything has been a peaceful path. Some time in the past couple of years I started to consider the value of my opinions, it started with a quote told me by a good friend. 

"An opinion is a need of the ego." 

I appreciate the human ego, I spend time watching it, and learning about it. Enough time to have opinioned (Ha-ha!) that my ego is not helped by pandering to its' needs, and so I started to watch for the judgements I made every hour of every day. I pondered the value of each conclusion I came to. For example, In noting the lack of understanding between a person interacting with their horse, and concluding the person to be ignorant and the horse to need pity - how was I contributing to the experience of the three of us, and even socially, as an Earthling? The unravelling of my life-learned ego-habit began...

Assessing for "Australian Natural Horsemanship" Sinnington Manor, Yorkshire Feb. 2003

I defer to my intention; that I am a part of the evolution of this planet, reaching for more love, more compassion. If I judge a person negatively, as in this example, I am negatively focussed. If I pity the horse, likewise. I render myself helpless, or worse, superior, apart from the two. At odds. Compelled to make things "better" - do it the way I know from my experiences to be more valuable than your way. I would interfere from a position of negativity. Extract the fun. Add some insult. I am a good teacher, however I detected the opportunity to become extraordinary, were I to alter my position from the negative toward the positive. 

Some years prior my friend making this comment, I had been teaching professionally in the field of Natural Horsemanship, and active on several Internet Forums since the late 1990's.

The Powerbook, my connection to the rest of the World since 1999, still overworked here in 2006 but ably assisted by Jason.
I believe his approach to my Internet activities holds a message, just one I am wilfully ignorant of at this time. 

I enjoyed much of the debates on forums, but on balance, the feelings I experienced the most during, and post discussion, were negative, and so I left all forums. 

The recipient of thrown tomato's (saved from a salad supper at the nearby pub).
Belstone Stocks, Dartmoor, July 2003

   

I had not considered holding an opinion about a way to be with horses, ways to behave and teach, ways to not behave nor teach, to be a cause for concern to me until that quote was proffered to me by my friend. 

I observed my judgements occurring each day, and noted the effect of the situation, I came to see that my experience was always negative as a result. I also noted that the person with whom I interacted had a negative experience too. A negative experience is sufficient reason to move away from the apparent cause; Perhaps some people I no longer see drifted thus? 

Amongst my aspirations is the desire to have more positive experiences, or at least find a way to view the ones we could define negatively, in a positive way. I have learned that the greatest assistance one can ever be to another is to be authentically strong, loving and positively focussed. I exist to be a participant on this Earth. I love to teach, to help. Perhaps I could view the lack of understanding between the person and their horse differently? Drop my opinion, try a positively focussed one? 

There was a time when I stood in an arena, shaking with fear and frustration, tearful and distressed. My mare, at the other end of the leadrope, likewise. We could not look at each other, and a spectator called for her to be shot. An amazing story, that I will share in future writings - do remind me! Suffice to say, Cedar and I lacked understanding at that time. Today we are as connected as twins. My belief is that those moments of disharmony (once viewed as despair; I'm looking for more positively focussed thoughts for my memories!) were integral to me reaching for and finding the relationship we have now. 

Cedar pregnant, me about to marry. November 2005

What if I repel the person with my negative opinion? What if I reflect to them every negative self-opinion they may hold? What if I emit to the horse my woe at his life, so it feels woeful? What if I acknowledge the potential for an extraordinary relationship to evolve between the two, like mine with Cedar? What if I look at both with appreciation and love, rather than judgement and pity? Open my heart to them both so that they may sense my offer of guidance? Who does not wish for unconditional support while they navigate through life experiences?

Simon Sinek on Twitter

I like this quote, shared on Twitter recently which I retweeted. Considering what you are FOR is positively focussed. A beautified opinion.

This project, The Heart of Horsemanship, is positively focussed.

What are YOU for?

Note; This post took days to write in my spare time, a most enjoyable experience, but I have heavily edited the writing as my intention is for each post to be short; more readable! My stories around opinions, and everything hinted at in this post, are numerous! I will share each story over time with the same intent, always illustrated with photographs as well as words and feelings. I will share with you the stories you most want to hear, if you let me know what they are. Meanwhile, my next post will share some of what I am FOR. Subscribe or "Like" us on Facebook, or "follow" us on Twitter for notices about new posts.