The View

In February 2012 I look at this image from July 2008, and I now remember some facts about that time, have some opinions about that time, and I remember my thoughts, that moment - not perfectly, verbatim, but I do remember the feeling of that moment, so I can put it into words approximating my thoughts at the time.

Photo: Tine Biedenweg

The facts; 

I was clinically depressed.

I thought the World would be a better place without me and would not notice, much, if I were absent from it, so I wondered occasionally, how best to leave.

My filly, Presence, was 2, and she was my dream from several years previously, come true.

My dog, Rex, a year old, also a friend I had thought much of - his breed, personality and pleasure, before we found each other.

My friends were with me, at this most beautiful piece of land, tolerating my misery. Trying hard to lift me. Allowing me.

I had passed through patterns of depression since childhood, every few years. My pets always gave me reason to continue living.

My opinions about this time vary. What I mean by vary, as examples of my evolving position, is that in 2008 I was of the belief depression was my curse. By 2009 I opinioned that depression was an equaliser, halting my crazy dreams to enable me to blend in, become ordinary. 2010 I'd had enough; depression was a dirty word, I will NEVER experience THAT again. 2011 I learned I could choose my emotional response to everything. I started practising. I am a fast learner. Now I see her, that woman, Jayne, (I love her dearly, I am no longer her), with her dreams manifest, back turned to them, and I am certain depression is amazing. For me it has been the opportunity to explore, learn, evolve.

My thought, in that moment, the moment I did not know had been captured by Tine with her camera?

"What BEAUTY! ...Landscape, hills, rock, geography of millions of years! Like I've seen as a child, in Britain, and periodically throughout my life, each time taking my breath away! I did not know it was here, so close to my home. Colours. Light. And sharing it with Presence, Rex, these women who are still here while I hate myself! I can feel my heart again. I can feel again." I smiled, I think, although retreated to the habit I had been working hard to keep, the sad-face.

I was not cured that day, but moments such as this continued to occur, and countered the hours of self-loathing.

There is much more I can share about my experience of depression, bi-polar and whatever other disorders I've played with, but this moment, today, Monday 13th February 2012, I simply admire the moment of this photograph, and for the first time I notice Presence wrapped around me, and I am actually lost for words... XJ