The View

In February 2012 I look at this image from July 2008, and I now remember some facts about that time, have some opinions about that time, and I remember my thoughts, that moment - not perfectly, verbatim, but I do remember the feeling of that moment, so I can put it into words approximating my thoughts at the time.

Photo: Tine Biedenweg

The facts; 

I was clinically depressed.

I thought the World would be a better place without me and would not notice, much, if I were absent from it, so I wondered occasionally, how best to leave.

My filly, Presence, was 2, and she was my dream from several years previously, come true.

My dog, Rex, a year old, also a friend I had thought much of - his breed, personality and pleasure, before we found each other.

My friends were with me, at this most beautiful piece of land, tolerating my misery. Trying hard to lift me. Allowing me.

I had passed through patterns of depression since childhood, every few years. My pets always gave me reason to continue living.

My opinions about this time vary. What I mean by vary, as examples of my evolving position, is that in 2008 I was of the belief depression was my curse. By 2009 I opinioned that depression was an equaliser, halting my crazy dreams to enable me to blend in, become ordinary. 2010 I'd had enough; depression was a dirty word, I will NEVER experience THAT again. 2011 I learned I could choose my emotional response to everything. I started practising. I am a fast learner. Now I see her, that woman, Jayne, (I love her dearly, I am no longer her), with her dreams manifest, back turned to them, and I am certain depression is amazing. For me it has been the opportunity to explore, learn, evolve.

My thought, in that moment, the moment I did not know had been captured by Tine with her camera?

"What BEAUTY! ...Landscape, hills, rock, geography of millions of years! Like I've seen as a child, in Britain, and periodically throughout my life, each time taking my breath away! I did not know it was here, so close to my home. Colours. Light. And sharing it with Presence, Rex, these women who are still here while I hate myself! I can feel my heart again. I can feel again." I smiled, I think, although retreated to the habit I had been working hard to keep, the sad-face.

I was not cured that day, but moments such as this continued to occur, and countered the hours of self-loathing.

There is much more I can share about my experience of depression, bi-polar and whatever other disorders I've played with, but this moment, today, Monday 13th February 2012, I simply admire the moment of this photograph, and for the first time I notice Presence wrapped around me, and I am actually lost for words... XJ

Sea Horses

Karen set up a surprise for her friend Louise, who became our friend too. Louise has, in her words, "Always dreamed of riding a horse at the beach, just like this." We LOVE that we are co-creators in her experience, that Louise held her dream until Karen, Whiskey, Bach, Bo, Katelyn, Rex & I could be a part of the reality. I trust that all I have experienced and believed, to have the relationship I do with these magical horses, is exactly what Louise imagined could be, and this day we all met, aligned and shared someone's dream. Thank you for dreaming.

Yes, Bachelor Boy is unrestrained in this photograph, when I trust the environmental conditions are good (i.e. people sharing the beach with me are self-contained, no frightened horses with them) I always allow my herd to enjoy the beach as they would enjoy their paddock; free. I started a conversation on-line about this, and many lovely people engaged with me and shared their fears, large or small, about loose horses on the beach or elsewhere. You may join the conversation here; Facebook/Horsemanship 

I ask why a horse-loving person would not want an experience like the one Louise manifested and co-created?

The key person involved in connecting us with Louise, Karen, brought her horse along for the adventure, and after some time passed where my horses were free and clearly revelling in the experience, Karen asked whether I thought her horse could be released from his halter and lead rope too. Yes didn't just come from my lips, I had been holding the image of Bo being allowed to experience the freedom of the beach in my mind for some time when our herd had started to harmonise, and the essence of trust and familiarity was all-pervading. Bo shared my imagining, and Karen found herself a partner in the desire. 

In the past I have closely controlled loose horse situations. I may have ensured a closed beach, a trained horse, a pile of feed, for example. In my past I believed the desire of a horse to be with us was created by training, conditioning and bribery. My belief that such an experience was a trick reveals the fear I held that horses would not choose a human, have no desire to relate to a human, and further, I believed I would not be worthy of their company were they set free. And so it was. The experiences were good-looking but anxiety-laden. 

That is not true for me any more. So how did Bo respond when Karen slipped his halter? 

A horse is a horse! Bo, upon realising the restraint was gone, simply ran in joy. His wake caught Whiskey for a few moments, who cantered too, before thoughts such as "Bo doesn't even know where he is heading," and "The herd are not running with us," came to him, and so he turned and returned to the rest of us. I'd be lying if I didn't confess that for a few moments Karen didn't feel the fear of the unknown, and looked to me. I knew, and I repeated the statement, "he will come back."

There was once a popular saying, in the time of flower-power, so before generation Y, 

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were." 

What does that have to do with the myriad disasters ahead of that galloping horse? I know you wonder. And indeed, the horse is galloping towards an industrial complex, machinery, pollution, people at work, some slaves to a system. Roads, vehicles, noise... 

Bo needed to see for himself. Bo needed to run like his instinct told him, and when he'd seen enough, he could choose what he wanted based upon the choices he saw. And when he returned Whiskey glanced at him, further along the journey as he is, as if to mutter, 

"What were you thinking?"